Turning A Corner?

I just may have turned a corner. I lost my best female friend this week. No, she didn't die, but after months of not returning my phone calls, she deleted me and the rest of my family from her Facebook.... OUCH!!! NOTHING is more final than that!

The night it happened, I decided to deal with my emotions by having a vigorous workout at the gym. I worked out but still, I felt no better. I had to go to the dreaded Wal-Mart for bread and of course... I had to pass by the cakes to get to the bread. Bought a mini-cheesecake and two pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Luckily, the cheesecake came with a mini-fork and I was able to eat it in the car. You know, that way nobody will know.

Anyway, feeling even more disgusted at myself and my weakness, I set myself up to jump off of the Wilson Dam. There appears to be nowhere to jump from, so I stood on the dam for an hour or so crying. Honestly, I know I am difficult to love but it seems that everyone leaves and of course, they never offer an explanation. I am so sick of being abandoned!

Anyway, I do have a point, I promise.

I was still down in the dumps today until I saw a video about a motivational speaker who has no arms or legs. He does EVERYTHING!! He dives from the high-dive, rides in fast boats, does so much and has no fear! He could feel sorry for himself, but he doesn't. He has made his life worth living... he found his niche.

Now inspired, I must find mine.

Hmmm... Interesting...

So, my family thinks my perspective of our family dynamic is all in my imagination. I find this very interesting as the entire situation is one of them vs. me. My husband and the three daughters still living at home conspire together, leaving me out of any planning-- basically they don't want my input; and then are surprised when I am less than thrilled with their idea. I am so very tired of not feeling like a part of the family. I have tried everything I know to be part of it. I am simply not wanted. Not a feeling I like, but the feeling I have lived with all of my life. Maybe there really is more wrong with me than I think. Maybe they don't mean to come off as not wanting me around. That is entirely possible, but nobody wants to take a few seconds and look at how the situation looks from my perspective.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore; except the obvious. In reality, I would be doing everyone a great service.

A Simple Start

This was the best weekend I've had in months. I am ahead of schedule in regard to school assignments, haven't cried all weekend and walked a little and tried to run for the first time in roughly 5 years. If I continue around this corner I've turned, it will only be a short amount of time before I die of a heart attack. So, tonight I ate 3 ounces of broiled salmon and steamed broccoli and cauliflower. The salmon turned out well, about 15 minutes before putting it in the oven to broil, I sprinkled it lightly with pepper, onion powder, garlic salt and dill. Broiled it for roughly 5 minutes and it turned out very moist and tasty.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist scheduled, but I will have to put it off. Isn't such a bad idea as other than refilling my meds, he doesn't do much. Please, if anyone is following this and I hope you are... think good thoughts for me. I will do the same for you.

What To Do?

So I've been thinking a lot about what is going on inside of me. I have a lot to be grateful for, at least I am told that all of the time. I am going to be a grandmother, my fourth child is graduating from high school and going on to college, I have a mother a husband and a niece who count on me and two children still at home who need me. But does anyone think about what I need? Does anyone consider how I feel when I am told: "You ask too many questions!", "People judge me by the way you look.", and my favorite when I disagree with anyone in the family; "Have you been taking your medication on time? You don't seem to be thinking clearly."
According to my family, I am only exhibiting well behavior when I sit back, nod and smile and let everyone do and say as they please. I am not allowed to disagree or express my feelings. Apparently, my feelings are not real because I am mentally ill. If I were not ill or my medication were working properly, I would see that everyone should do and say as they please. Basically, my feelings are invalid! Nobody seems to understand that my feelings of inadequacy date back to my early childhood and are only compounded by my present family dynamic.
I have been sitting here all evening trying to come up with a reason to continue living. I cannot come up with a good one. I am nothing. I will always be nothing. So... what to do? What to do?
I cannot decide whether to take pills again or stick with my original plan of gassing myself in my car. I am leaning toward the car thing. Here is what would make it perfect:
1. Park by the river in the evening right before sundown.
2. Get out and run a hose from the exhaust into my rear window.
3. Either shoot some heroin or light up a nice joint. I have never done heroin so I'm kinda thinking this might be an opportunity to experience an incredible high before I die.
4. Turn on the radio, The Moody Blues or Pink Floyd.
5. Watch the sun set as I wait for death.

Now... to find the perfect time.

I have been having a rather rough time and haven't had the strength to post. I am so tired of feeling this way. I feel as if everyone is working against me and I am miserable. I am hopeful though. Hopeful that I will be brave enough to finally end all of this.

Maybe My Life Can Help Someone Else

I am not sure where to begin. I am, at this moment; one second away from tears. I am happy, sad, excited, optimistic, hopeful, hopeless, of use, useless, rigid, flexible, brave, fearful, special, and ordinary-- all within a matter of minutes. I am bi-polar. I am writing this because perhaps someone else will read this and maybe, just maybe they will realize they are not alone in this and maybe, just maybe my life will have been worth something.
I am not sure I can live much longer like this. I have been through psychotherapy, hospitalizations, countless medications and electroconvulsive therapy. I keep telling everyone "Oh yes, all of this really works! I feel much better!" I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just wish I could live a full, happy life. I don't feel valuable.
When my children were small, I still had ups and downs, but not as severe as these. They kept me busy and I was the center of their universe and they mine. As they have grown, some of them have left the nest already and those who have remained seem to find nothing but fault with me. I still spend my days doing little else but trying to provide a happy and full-filling childhood for them and a nice life for my husband, what with cooking, the learning, the transporting people to activities, making sure dreams of beautiful prom gowns and special occasions are met. And you know what? It still isn't enough.
I not only hate my life, I am weary.