I am not sure where to begin. I am, at this moment; one second away from tears. I am happy, sad, excited, optimistic, hopeful, hopeless, of use, useless, rigid, flexible, brave, fearful, special, and ordinary-- all within a matter of minutes. I am bi-polar. I am writing this because perhaps someone else will read this and maybe, just maybe they will realize they are not alone in this and maybe, just maybe my life will have been worth something.
I am not sure I can live much longer like this. I have been through psychotherapy, hospitalizations, countless medications and electroconvulsive therapy. I keep telling everyone "Oh yes, all of this really works! I feel much better!" I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just wish I could live a full, happy life. I don't feel valuable.
When my children were small, I still had ups and downs, but not as severe as these. They kept me busy and I was the center of their universe and they mine. As they have grown, some of them have left the nest already and those who have remained seem to find nothing but fault with me. I still spend my days doing little else but trying to provide a happy and full-filling childhood for them and a nice life for my husband, what with cooking, the learning, the transporting people to activities, making sure dreams of beautiful prom gowns and special occasions are met. And you know what? It still isn't enough.
I not only hate my life, I am weary.
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